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As avid Insert Credit scholars, most of you are no doubt aware that Journalism
is a videogame, and with any luck, you've got a basic gist of the rules by
now.
Where Insert Credit has failed you, however, is in its lack of a strategy
guide. Journalism, while ultimately fun and rewarding, can be overwhelming to an
inexperienced player. So before I guide you through the barren wasteland that
was the 2004 International Consumer Electronics
Show in Las Vegas, it may be beneficial to see how an experienced player
prepares for a typical game.
If you find that such insight is unnecessary, feel free to skip
ahead.
I: A FEW WORDS ON TEAM PLAY
Some missions are best done solo. I find that for an event as large as CES,
however, building a party has its advantages. For this specific quest, I decided
to employ Billy "Player 2" Berkey. I knew
his experience as a butcher would be useful, should we find it necessary to
engage in combat. I also knew that Player 2 would be willing to carry my
inventory for the day. Which brings us to:
II: THE IMPORTANCE OF BALANCING YOUR STASH
There is a delicate balance to consider when gathering inventory. Having that
crucial item can quite figuratively save your life in advanced stages. However,
an excessive inventory can weigh a Journalist down, which can be absolutely
crippling.
We began this particular adventure equipped with only the essentials: my
Olympus 2.1 megapixel digital camera, a tape recorder, a notebook, and our wits.
It was only through an intensive process of elimination that we were able to
decide on our remaining inventory, which consisted of the following purchases
from Wal Mart:
- Silly Putty: In case we run into any unreadable fine print.
- Wax Banana: A survival necessity for the true Journalist.
- Pez Dispenser: Both bribery material and our only source of
sustenance for the day.
- Admission Tickets: Handy for getting into exclusive press events.
- Turkey Baster: For purposes of self defense and water-based
hilarity.
- Rubber Bands: Over one hundred of them, in assorted colors. An easy
sniper weapon.
- Pool Chalk: In case we encounter a pool table.
- Plastic Dinosaurs: All shall fear their wrath.
- Googly Eyes: Even the most hardened corporate representatives
become intimidated with
enough of these on your face.
- Cowboy Hat Foam Stamp: I'm sure this needs no introduction.
- Pixy Stix: Our other only source of sustenance for the day.
- Franklin "First Day of School" Card Game: Our fate is
determined by the cards, and the
cards alone.
- Electrical Tape: In case Player 2 has to be restrained.
- Emergency Blanket: Emergencies can present themselves without
warning. And sometimes
the poor bastards are cold.
- TNT "Snap and Pop" Brand Snappers: Thrown at a man's
feet, these provide distractions
for a quick escape.
- Dental Floss: This one's for the ladies.
I recommend that beginning players focus most of their attention on building
an inventory that best suits their skills. I couldn't tell you how many times
I've purchased seemingly important items, only to discover that they are
completely useless to me.
III: PHYSICAL AND MENTAL PREPARATION (OR "STAT BUILDING")
Perhaps the most important step in preparing for a game is the building of
statistics. A team and an inventory can only get you so far...a Journalist can
never advance in the game without preparation of both mind and body to a proper
Journalistic State.
There are a number of ways to achieve Journalism. Some of the best players I
know, for instance, prepare by immersing themselves in research, learning every
detail, quote, and speck of dirt on their subjects, briefly becoming a living,
breathing database of often useless knowledge.
Myself, I find that an equally efficacious strategy is to drink lots and lots
of beer the night before a quest. I can't speak for all areas, obviously, but if
you happen to be adventuring in Las Vegas, I recommend the Freakin'
Frog on Maryland Parkway. Owner-slash-bartender Adam Carmer stocks well over
two hundred beers from around the world, and one gets the impression that he's
intimately familiar with each and every one of them. Stop by if you get the
chance. I'm not just saying that because Adam just gave me a free beer to do so.
("Tell them we have the largest and most exclusive selection of beer in
the state of Nevada." You got it, man.)
Beer will only get you so far, however. In order to achieve a pure state of
Journalism, I recommend enhancing your intake by sleeping no more than three
hours the night before your quest. My dream that night consisted of hand
puppets, underground parties, and
long-retired-but-apparently-getting-back-together rock group The Pixies. When
the alarm went off, and I sat up in bed, the rest of the world seemed to be
sitting back down on top of me. My vision blurred, my everything ached, and
death seemed more a sweet relief than a distant scare.
All, of course, perfect for Journalism.
And so it began.
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