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Remember back in the early 90s, when Nintendo Power showed us their images of
CES? Remember how they taunted us with kiosk after kiosk playing these totally
amazing new games inside a fucking CASTLE?
All that stuff is at E3 now. CES has become home to the desperate, the
depraved, and the Microsoft-published underbelly of the gaming world. Anything
new at CES, as far as gaming is concerned, tends to die alone, unmourned, and
unloved by both gamers and the major press.
Which is just fine with me.
We were directed to the Microsoft Windows Embedded Software Display by a
rather attractive redhead who, obviously drawn to the mysterious powers of an
experienced Journalist, insisted on touching my shoulder and speaking directly
into my face while telling me which escalators to take and which directions to
turn.
"I got to play with the new consoles on display, and they're (omg)
totally awesome!" she said. "You should go check them
out!"
She then gave me a cookie and smiled flirtatiously. Microsoft is one smart
fucking company.
After an hour-long adventure involving losing my camera, retracing all of our
footsteps, and then finding it in the care of Microsoft's
information desk ten feet from where I'd noticed it was missing in the first
place, we arrived. A gargantuan hunk of
metal with the word "PHANTOM"
sat, heavy and unplugged, next to a
curious little handheld called the Gametrac (worst
picture ever).
The PHANTOM, one would hope, requires
nothing in the way of introductions. For those not following the political
sitcom that is Infinium Labs, though, the most accurate description I can come
up with is, "A huge PC inside of a nifty metal case with no CD-ROM drive,
encrypted software incapable of customization, and an Ethernet service allowing
you to pay a fee to download shitty, shareware PC games ON YOUR TEE VEE."
Searching the Internet will reveal further details about their nonexistent
corporate office, their inept, slimy CEO, and their plan to sell useless
hardware upgrades based on your desire to have the fastest machine possible.
In short, it's a retarded piece of shit designed solely to attract venture
capital from rich idiots who believe there's a fortune to be made in the
"video game industry." My Journalist Cock twitched at the thought of
cornering one of the morons responsible and activating Maximum Interview.
Infinium, however, was not around to represent their product. My focus, then,
was diverted to the Gametrac by its side.
According to what I remember of the slightly-less-than-informative press kit,
which has since been devoured by the secret, unknown forces that stalk the
Clumsy Journalist, the Gametrac
is a portable unit running Windows CE software which is capable of playing
MP3s, MPEG-4 video files, and (one gets the impression this was an afterthought)
video games. It can also take pictures, send text messages to the thousands upon
thousands of fellow Gametrac users floating around at all times, and features an
integrated global positioning system (GPS), which I'm told will be incorporated
into future games.
Games that don't exist yet, save one which is in development by Gametrac
themselves.
"Well, it's a gang war simulation," a representative told me.
"The GPS function will let you know when rival gangs, controlled by other
Gametrac users, are invading your turf.
"You know, there are bad gang problems in, like, L.A.," he went on
to inform me, "and this way, you know, kids will stay out of gangs, because
they can simulate the experience on the Gametrac and, um, make light of
it."
...
"Did you punch him in the fucking face?" a friend of mine asked
that night. Were that not the absolute last thing I was prepared to hear, I
might have. All I could manage at the time was to give him a slow, awkward nod
and walk away.
The unit itself (another terrible
picture) is light. Disturbingly light. The button layout seemed relatively
comfortable, but playing the version of Doom they had running proved
impossible when even a slight jarring of the Gametrac resulted in the screen
fading to a Heavenly white and the unit resetting.
Gametrac plans to start selling their portable console within this first
quarter. No games have been announced and no publishers have been signed. Not
even Doom is definite; it was installed merely to show that, hey, this
thing plays VIDEO GAMES!
It was almost at the exact moment I put down the Gametrac that my Journalist
Cock began tingling, indicating that there was something Journalist-Worthy
behind me.
I turned around and found a slightly-less-than-tubby gentleman plugging
something into the Phantom. The man wore a snazzy tuxedo, a trimmed goatee, and
about two liters of sticky sweat on top of his bald head.
"Hey," I said, "are you going to get this thing running? Am I
going to see some games?"
He grunted, reaching for an outlet behind the desk.
"No," he said, wiping sweat from his brow. A futile attempt.
"No games yet, just plugging it in."
"Mm," I replied. "I kind of expected that from these guys."
He stood back and admired his work. He'd managed to transform the unit from a
clunky metal box that did nothing to a clunky metal box that lit up in the
front.
"Actually," he said, "I work for 'these guys,' if you have any
questions."
My Journalist Cock stood at attention and my face disfigured into a Spider
Jerusalem grin. I had some questions all right.
"Yeah," I said. "Yeah, I do. First, have you any games to
announce yet?"
"Well, no, we have nothing announced yet. We did sign with, uh..."
"Riverdeep,"
I offered.
"Yeah, Riverdeep, and we have about two hundred titles from them. Plus
we're working on, um, some other stuff."
"Nothing new to announce? Publishers? Games? Anything?"
"Um, no. We'll be taking preorders on March 31st, though, so hopefully
we'll have a list by then."
I nodded, with my best poker face.
"So," I countered, "can I see the insides of this thing?"
"No," he said quickly. "Um, not today."
"So what is this, then? Just a box that lights up?"
"No," he chuckled. "No, this is the real deal. I've played
it."
"Mm." I nodded, as if contemplating this. "I think what's
confusing me most about this thing is-"
"Um, excuse me," he said, absently, as he pushed his way past the
crowd and walked, rather briskly, in the general direction of Away From Me.
Infinium Labs, ladies and gentlemen. A toast, to The
Future of Video Game Consoles.
And three cheers to their major competition.
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