the insert credit cold fifty: videogame icons: compiled by tim rogers -- with a foreword by chris kohler, fulbright scholar

14. Ebisumaru (Goemon series)

The original Ganbare! Goemon was released in America as Legend of the Mystical Ninja. Wacky and anachronistic, it told a tale of the strange adventure of its weird heroes. The second title was never released in the West -- it was too racy, and odd.

One of the reasons Ganbare! Goemon 2 was never released in America was because the title showed the emerging homosexuality of Goemon's grinning ninja assistant, Ebisumaru (renamed, lamely, "Dr. Yang" in the American version). Ganbare! Goemon 2 sees Ebisumaru walking with a prance in his step, and using a fan as his weapon -- quite a change from the more manly flute of the original game. Ganbare! Goemon 3 shows us an Ebisumaru more in touch with his sexuality -- he swings a hula hoop as his weapon.

Fast-forward to 2002, when Konami's most recent Goemon game was released for the PlayStation. This Goemon game is a re-imagining of the timeless Goemon myth -- in the future. In this title, cyborg-ninja Goemon fights alongside his hammer-equipped, ditzy female ninja-friend, Ebisumaru. Yes -- Ebisumaru is a female, now. Goemon always had a female sidekick -- the green-haired, confident girl-ninja Yae. He also had a robot sidekick, the "Clockwork Ninja" Sasuke. Now, these four characters have been combined into two -- and in a way that lets Ebisumaru finally be who he's always wanted to be. Us progressive thinkers at insert credit just got to support that kind of thing.

13. Keith Courage

There was a kid in sixth grade who hated me. I don't know why he hated me. He hated me because it was something to do. He was in sixth grade, and I was in fourth grade. My neighbor -- this cool Indian kid -- his mom drove a neighborhood carpool to the elementary school. She herself worked as a nurse in a hospital. She was a nice lady.

Anyway, one morning, my Indian friend and I were looking at the Nintendo Power Official Super Mario Bros. 3 strategy guide, and talking about Mario. At recess, we were still at it.

This big kid, aged eleven and tall as Frankenstein, talked with a slur, and sometimes took his Casio keyboard to school so he could sit on the concrete steps at recess and work on his music.

"Little babies," this kid said to us at recess. "Dumb little babies with your Nintendo and your Mario."

We didn't say anything to him.

"Turbografx-16 is better," he said to us. "Keith Courage is such a better game than Super Mario Bros. 3. It has better graphics." This, I just had to scoff at.

"Something funny, homo?" the kid asked me.

"No," I said. "Super Mario Bros. 3 is the best game ever. Electronic Gaming Monthly said so."

This big kid, out of nowhere, threw a small stone that hit me on the right side of my forehead. It drew blood. That blood soon became a scab.

"Don't you fucking fuck with Keith Courage," he said, walking away.

I've never played Keith Courage. Still, remembering the Frankenstein kid's warning, I decide not to fuck with him, even until now.

12. Alex Kidd

I knew a guy once who said he didn't want to play Mario Party because he couldn't stand Mario. He said he wished they'd make the game for Dreamcast, and make it Alex Kidd Party. I thought, for a while, that he was joking. Now, I kind of realize he wasn't.

There was this Sega Master System set up, for the longest time, in my local video rental store in Kansas. I'd go over there while my mom was looking at whatever movies she liked looking at, and I'd pick up the little controller, and play some Rocky. One day, they had Alex Kidd set up, and I liked it. It was so colorful, and friendly. The graphics really were so much better than any game on the Nintendo Entertainment System.

Fast-forward to me in college. Some guy with stubble that resembled a mudstain came into the store with a garbage bag over his shoulder like Santa Claus's sack of toys. He dropped it on the counter, and started spilling out Sega Master System games. He even had two of the systems, eight controllers. "How much cash can I get for all this?" he asked me. I looked it up in the computer. I had to tell the guy we didn't take back Master System games, and even if we did, all we could do is give you store credit. Then, I noticed, in his pile of games, Phantasy Star and Alex Kidd. I told him, hey, I'll buy the system, two controllers, and these two games. The guy said, yeah? For how much? I pulled forty dollars out of my wallet. Some kid -- the new guy -- came back from the back room, and said, "You're offering him forty dollars for that? Dude, you could sell just Phantasy Star on eBay for, like, a hundred bucks." The guy -- obviously a crook of some sort, smirked, and asked, "Really?" He then hoisted his sack over his shoulder, left, and never came back.

Years later, I said, of Nintendo's current relationship with Sega, "They could, like, put Alex Kidd in the next Smash Brothers." And my friend said, "Why the hell would they do that? Shit. Alex Kidd is Sega."

And there you have it. If that isn't a number twelve on a top-fifty list, we don't know what is.

[getting there: 11-9]