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~two bad dudes
one hot babe
two guitars
(one good, one evil)
ten final fantasies
no sleep till la charreada
this is project FF Dog~
1. [23:25] "THANKS TO YOUR DONATIONS, WE HAVE AFFORDED A HOUSE"; you who watch -- know this was filmed more than a year ago, and i am now about forty pounds lighter. in other words, yes, i got a haircut. this is project ffdog, book four -- final fantasy vi.
2. [23:40] Here's the deal with this FFDog -- we're playing two cartridges of the game on two systems. As I talk a lot, it becomes hard to keep track of what, exactly, the hell is going on. There's some nonsense about "the cartridge is in, G," and "that was beautiful synchronization." the fact of the matter, however, is that it was a competition between me and doug. Knowing that we couldn't beat the game in twelve hours and still enjoy ourselves, we resolved to merely play the game on two televisions to see who could get the farthest by lunchtime the next day. Anyway, in this video, I also perform "fairly domesticated tuffy" on guitar. The performance is not as mature as it is now.
3. [23:42] The title screen, with its crash of organs. Test audiences called this the best video, hands-down. It's only ten seconds long, and you're going to need to lean your head ninety degrees to the right at the end.
4. [23:45] The first reference to "the hardcore quest" is made. I really have no idea what the hell I was talking about. My apologies. A word on the Ascii pad, and then witness Tim Rogers Lying About Japanese, Volume 14. "OOPS, I SKIPPED IT! I SKIPPED TUFFY!" Hell. This one is kind of obnoxious. Doug asks, here, "How am I supposed to have an enjoyable experience when he's screaming 'BURN!' in my left ear all night?" A good question, Doug.
5. [23:57] Feel how edgy we are on this one -- FFDog is a girl. Oh yes. The first female FFDog. And then a shout-out to Chris Woodard.
6. [23:59] "I'M NOT EVEN TOUCHING THE CONTROLLER!!" I officially jump out ahead of Doug.
7. [23:59] "One thing you need to know about this Moogle Battle is that there ain't nothing that's gonna go wrong."
8. [00:16] Sabin aka Mash is named after a particular forum-goer. See if it's you! j00ly makes a run for some Dr. Pepper while Doug jumps into the lead and I almost throw up in my mouth. An excellent vocal performance of Kefka's Theme by Doug and I. "DANGER, HOT BABE!! THE DP IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE!!" Look at those high ceilings!
9. [00:24] j00ly asks me why I'm standing beside the television with my back to the game. The answer will shock you. And then: "King d00dy awakens in the night . . ." Doug Jones' pick for best video of the session. I think it has something to do with "BURNING STONE!! STONE ON FIRE!!" Holy fuck, that haircut was a good idea. I should rerecord this FFDog anew, with my new haircut. See if I can get all the words right. It'd make me the Django Reinhart of rambling.
10. [00:41] "This is my friend's quest that she put on here like I guess, like, two years ago. Sabin's name is Jina, Cyan is Han, and Gau is pPo. That's Korean." . . . "You know what I say to Jina, Han, and pPo? I say yo necesito MORE BEBIDO, baby." Stuck in the mountains with no antidotes. That means running. "I'm playing very poorly here." The lead changes hands again and again.
11. [01:25] "We are on the Lete River." "My party is l33ter than his -- he's got one zero in four people." j00ly is asleep with her glasses on. A word on experience loops. "I don't want to be embarrassed again." "Whenever the Evil Guitar is around, it makes me want to say something off the cuff."
12. [01:28] This is seven-second modern film-art involving high fructose corn syrup. TIM ROGERS' VIDEO OF THE SESSION.
13. [01:29] "Doug Jones has just vomited on himself." A little history on Doug's Super Nintendo. Coinage of the term "Blessed by the quest." . . . . . . . . . "I'm still filming." . . . "I figured as much."
14. [02:12] Two-second modern film-art involving a simple chapter-one English textbook sentence.
15. [02:23] Everyone's favorite Final Fantasy octopus. A word on the cartilige structures of mollusks. "All you ladies in the audience -- I want you to know that's the first time I ever had an 'incorrect Blitz input'."
16. [02:28] Special guest Sean Connery begins with a reading. The three-party split is reached by now. A quick summary of affairs: I have arrived out of the experience loop and into the three-party split, just behind Doug. I, however, am stronger than Doug's party; Doug is running from battles.
17. [02:49] "IT SAYS 'ROD'!!" A discussion of college and music. "Now we were talking a minute ago before Doug Jones fell into a stupor . . ." I rally to pull out ahead while Doug sleeps.
18. [03:09] Sean Connery brings us up to speed again. j00ly has begun playing Doug's quest. I have obtained Cyan. Know this -- I always play Sabin's quest last. Meaning I'm coming out of the three-way split.
19. [03:17] "I JUST DROPPED THE ASCII PAD."
20. [03:27] "'How might these abominations be manipulated?'" The Pepper Buzz is coming down already. "I'm losing my will to FFDog." "If you're gonna get beaten at a Final Fantasy race contest kids, make sure you at least get beaten by a Hot Babe."
21. [03:34] "What would you call that sound when people run away? Like someone ripping a Band-Aid off a hairy leg?" I mention Rome.
22. [04:01] Doug is awake, alive, and has taken over. I am playing guitar. Dougis playing my quest. j00ly is playing his. IT'S FUCKING MADNESS.
23. [04:21] THE INSERTCREDIT.COM DR. PEPPER COMMERCIAL SERIES, VOLUME ONE: DP. RAGE (with music by Nobuo Uematsu)
24. [05:19] "Good morning children. And welcome back to Project FFDog Four." That big battle in the hills, LIVE. Doug and j00ly battle simultaneously as I imitate a horse-race-announcer. Until I start annoying even myself. Hell, I'm hateful. Long video here, featuring such quotable quotes as "Them's the brakes when you're messing with DP" and "I said it before and I'll say it again -- that's one heady beverage." Viewers pass one million, during this video right here. A clever dig on the Fourth of July.
26. [06:34] Doug Jones sleeps. And you know the rules of Project FFDog -- you sleep, and you're gonna get bendy-noted. "Wake up, dude, I need your input for something." It happens to be the name for Setzer.
26. [06:40]You kids up for a little Techno de Chocobo? Yeah, I rock it well, mouth-style. "They gotta do Ska de Chocobo. I would pay to hear something like that." ". . . am I having a DP Flashback?!" "They should put a sign outside the opera house that says, 'WARNING -- . . ."
27. [06:44] ~**INTERMISSION**~ (did i already pick a video of the session? because i want to change my vote to this one.) (turn your volume up and sing along. record your best sing-a-long videos and send them to me. make a forum thread or something. covers are welcome.) (this has been part one of volume four of project FFDog, brought to you by Kit Kat and Dr. Pepper.)
28. [06:59] "j00ly has spilled tea all over herself."
29. [07:01] Our coverage of the Opera House sequence begins. "Look at that -- that conductor is huge!"
30. [07:03] In which I, Tim Rogers, exhibit too much knowledge of Electronic Gaming Monthly. Quick -- can you remember which game won 1994's "best music, CD"? Hint -- . . . no, no hints.
31. [07:09] "You know, when I was fourteen years old I thought these lyrics were really cool."
32. [07:24] Don Marco's video of the session. Watch the City of Evil approach. Listen to the sneeze.
33. [07:26] A word on the times. "See, I don't understand why anyone's trying to save the world from anything, when there's a place like this." Toying with the dynamic music switching technique. Again, too much videogame trivia is exhibited. Someone shoot me in the ass.
34. [08:01] The Pepper Buzz has come down hard. j00ly and I are gaining levels in preparation for the Magitek Factory dungeon. Odd -- we've both gotten into the vicinity of the dungeon in the same time. j00ly's quest is under-leveled. Mine is over-leveled. Around the time of this video's filming, an idea began to brew in my head -- we're going to switch controllers when we get to the factory. This will then give birth to . . .
35. [08:07] (modern game-film-art, part three: "Break it up, boys, break it up.")
36. [08:30] (more vocalization. Doug Jones drinks a whole two-liter of DP. "Nothing like a morning Pepper." "Wake up and drink." "GET YOUR DOSE!!")
37. [08:32] (the players take their seats . . .)
38. [08:52] MAGITEK LIVE: PART ONE The attack begins. Armor and items are picked up. I struggle to gain footing in Doug's underpowered quest. This is to be a righteous battle. "WHITE MAN ON FIRE!!"
39. [09:00] Part two.
40. [09:26] MAGITEK LIVE: PART THREE A lucky strike eliminates the boss for my weak quest. The thrilling escape -- it's seriously neck-and-neck, here.
41. [09:34] "What once was a, uh, slightly different thing is now, uh, a tie." "What we learned from Magitek Live . . . that running away is victory. Evil triumphs, good is dumb, and running away and cowardice is the way to go."
42. [09:37] "This is the first, uh, gettin'-it-on scene in a videogame."
43. [09:59] Mog is gotten, and named FFMog. 21,183 steps to Mog. That's a lot. Children using yardsticks: discussed.
44. [10:06] Sounds of electric knives going through frozen hams discussed. The drill is gotten, and gotten good.
45. [10:32] "Once again we reveal that cowardice and running away are the key to victory." I am now gorgeously in the lead.
46. [11:18] A tradition is continued -- yes, ladies and gentlemen, we have a g00zer. "This is not rehearsed. We are not trying to do it this way." This FFDog is winding down. It is something to fear!!
47. [11:37] One quest has died. A restart reveals it is now hours behind. Fifteen minutes remain in the competition. Either good or evil has triumphed. Yet there is a new challenge, born at the last minute. CAN YOU WITNESS WITH LESS THAN NORMAL TREPIDATION?!?!?! "The reason we're speaking Spanish is -- well, we like Mexican food."
BONUS MP3 DOWNLOAD!!! For those of you who like music, fellow Project FFDog fan Joshua Rowland has put together this rather exemplary rendition of Kefka's theme. (Kefka, for those who don't know the game, is the villain of Final Fantasy VI. He's a clownish sort who likes killing people, yet has some . . . tragic past-things going on, too.) Mr. Rowland's rendition of the Kefka theme, in my humble opinion, rocks some shit. He emailed it to me with the subject line "You might like this." I replied saying that his subject line was mealy-mouthed, and should have told me "You will like this." He can be reached by email here. Send him money or something. Send me money, too. Remember, I always love that stuff.
--team FFDog is now scattered far and wide; yet our exploits trickle on
[have you read the final fantasy vi review yet?]
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