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project FF Dog V: Final Fantasy VII
an insert credit pictures production
directed by tim rogers
starring doug jones, tim rogers, julie jones [formerly julie schimmoller], and squaresoft's final fantasy vii
filmed on 0919003 and 09202003
a companion to the review of final fantasy vii located here
~two bad dudes
one hot babe
two guitars
(one good, one evil)
ten final fantasies
no sleep till la charreada
this is project FF Dog~
1. "From the darkness of evil comes . . . the house that FFDog Built. Let there be light, dude." "That sounds like pizza."; Papa John's arrives with serendipitous timing. Doug Jones, for the second time in his life time, touches a cardboard box and destroys a piece of electronics manufactured by Sony. "That's gonna haunt me for the rest of my life." "Until one day when YOUSA GONNA GO TO JAIL."
2. I get one bite into my pizza before being interrupted by a moth. A word of caution regarding Tabasco.
3. "Look, when I tell you people to keep it real, you're supposed to keep it real." Behold, a more somber, serious, honest, and not-joking-around with you Final Fantasy -- Final Fantasy VII. "This game is not for kids." This is Projet FFDog: Volume 5.
4. "For those that came in late -- Pop Pop Pop, it's FFDog!" The theme song plays; Dr. Pepper cracked open on camera. The sponsors revealed. Ratings surge.
5. "In the blackness of the cosmos, FFDog was born." "Remember the demo had all kinds of text on the starfield here?" "It's kind of like 'Star Wars,' only more green."
6. "FFDog V: Where Doug Ruins Everything." Final Fantasy VII's beginning-heaviness discussed. Omen #1: Doug misses the first hit of the game. "We're playing with texture-smoothing on."
7. "Part Two: The Escape." "This is definitely the Most Leapfrogging Final Fantasy ever."
8. Star Trek is mentioned. Do not fear -- it is only one sentence. "There was actually a punk-rocker on this train." "I could be on G4 or something with this voice." Our choice for naming Barret becomes more pertinent. It strikes me as I watch this video again that the video quality here, compared to the FMV quality, is about the same as the current standard in FMV compared to reality.
9. "How many zeros is that?" "We're taking advantage of all nine characters."
10. "She didn't have a boyfriend." "Rock a pivot, dude!" "We here at insertcredit.com do like boobs. I'm actually writing a feature about boobs in videogames now. . . . it's not a bad feature. I need to do a little more research, though. I don't mean that as a euphemism for playing more hentai games."
11. "Yeah, this is the new face of Final Fantasy." ". . . this is pretty gay."
12. Witness the Official Project FFDog Squat Contest. "Make sure you got all your bodily waste out of you, alright?" Holy lord, watching this makes me realize I lost, like . . . at least fifty pounds since this video was taken. In other words, yes, I cut my hair. (My knees hurt all the way past Tokyo Game Show.) My lord, I was repulsively fat. Holy shit, it's scary to watch this. I can't believe I ever used to look like this.
13. "One-thirty in the morning, and I still got my Pepper." "Doug Jones is not pirating music." "Please excuse me while I drink my Pepper. 'PEMWIDMP' -- that's gotta stand for something in this universe." The header you see at the top of this page is forged.
14. Insertcredit.com Sixteen-second Short Film #1: On Polygons and Vibration. Rating: ***1/2.
15. "Identify the classical music, dude -- do you know what that is?" "Get your H composers right." I mention how I wish I could go to that creepy playground; now, bizarrely, I live in a building with a view of the real-life playground that inspired the playground in Final Fantasy VII.
16. "I honestly like [Tifa] better than Aeris. What does that make me? A man? A manly man? A man who likes [boobs]." "Yo quiero booberitas. Yo quiero comer booberitas blancas."
17. "This. Is. Dumb." "This is mongoloidish." "PROTIP!"
18. "THE CITY OF EVIL. THE CITY OF EVIL!" I get an email from Brandon Sheffield, and it all goes downhill from there. "Doug Jones is gonna crack open some DP -- CONTAIN ITS RAGE, DUDE."
19. "THIS IS JUST NONSENSE-GARBAGE."
20. "This is what Project FFDog looks like to you the viewer. This is what it looks like to me, the Tim Rogers (Doug Jones and a guitar), and this is what it looks like to Brandon Sheffield, President of InsertCredit.com. Treasure this behind the scenes glance!! The best dungeon in Final Fantasy VII exposed.
21. Brandon Sheffield makes an appearance via IM. We discuss a movie idea: "Bobita: The Boba Lolita." It is based on Brandon's theory that "the cuter the girl, the worst the boba." Brandon calls the film: "Like Water for Boba." Yeah, I think the DP Rush was hitting us a little too hard back then. "I'm browsing HotOrNot.com over here." My pick for best video of the session, just because of a sentence that begins "I don't want a girl who abbreviates like that -- I don't care if you're . . . " Red XIII is named, and that name goes down in the annals of history as the best name ever given to an RPG character by a player. Viewers hit four million.
22. "The battlefield is stained with blood." The game is really starting to hit its dramatic peak. "We're still looking at HotOrNot.com over here." Brandon continues his input. Cherish this, as Brandon Sheffield for once shows interest in Project FFDog!! Listen as "Runo" is mentioned. I ended up totally living in that woman's house for a little bit. She was great.
23. "Okay, we're filming now, so quit talking about your pain!" "No offense to fat people -- I used to be one." I make a prediction that I'll lose twenty pounds in Tokyo. Not so fast, fatty -- you lost sixty! Is that . . . Liquid Snake? Pizza Man? Beverage Cat? . . . what? Witness a rather . . . queer Final Fantasy VII Doujinshi. It, uh . . . yeah.
24. Cloud rides the moped hard. I score a million points in the motorcycle racing minigame. Viewers hit ten million. A mention of my Jackie Chan screenplay. I ended up finishing it, and then deleting it, by the way. Doug's redneck roots break out, and all fear. Viewers plummet to eight million. "sh00tz0rz skilz d00d"
25. "It approaches six AM in the House that FFDog Built." Saturday, September 20th, 2003. Things get very, very serious. Oh yes. "The sun is rising over our sorrow." We then discuss How It's Gonna Be. "It was made to be unbeatable in one night." "What we're going to do is something that has not ever been attempted in Internet Videogame Journalism." Oh my lord. Get ready --
26. Dr. Pepper, Hot Tamales, Snicker's Cruncher Pop'ables, Papa John's, insertcredit pictures, Sony, and THE FFDog PLAYERS (Tim Rogers and Doug Jones) PRESENT: A SCENE FROM FINAL FANTASY VII (copyright 1997 Squaresoft): "CLOUD'S PAST," or "クリスコーラーの母さんを殺した日" This is the opening sequence. Turn up the brightness on your video program, chubby.
27. Act one. (Long video. Do remember to save your game afterward.)
28. Act two. (Long video, again. While waiting for it to finish downloading, why not order a Papa John's pizza, or head to the supermarket for some Dr. Pepper?)
And this FFDog is finished. Or maybe--Nay, it is finished. It is finished! Go do something else! Play Final Fantasy VII again, by god! You'll like it! Or at least read the review. Team FFDog will return, at any rate, with new characters, a new setting, and much other assorted newness! You'll love it! I guarantee! . . . or I don't!!
--team FF Dog
see the review of final fantasy vii located here, to complete the chain of events and feel whole again
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