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5. No. Kingdom Hearts' story is not deep. In fact, it is the exact opposite.
Who here remembers Shadow Madness? That game was, for all intents and purposes, a rip-off of Final Fantasy VII. It was a long, convoluted story. It was made by Crave, a company whose Conspiracy Entertainment label gave me Bangai-O! when no one else would. For that, I respect Crave, and everything they've ever done, right down to Shadow Madness.
It was Final Fantasy VI's legendary translator and Columbia University Department of East Asian Studies graduate Ted Woolsey that founded Crave and cranked out Shadow Madness. Up until that small disaster of a game was made, Americans had thought it utterly impossible to turn out a product in the vein of the Japanese RPG.
The question every magazine asked Mr. Woolsey was a simple one: How hard was it to make such a story?
Ted Woolsey is a slick individual. I mean, I've never met the guy -- though I'd really like to. Judging by his answer when asked how hard it was to craft Shadow Madness's story, I can say with utmost certainty that Ted Woolsey is a "slick individual."
He said: "You wouldn't believe how easy it is."
He said: [warning: exaggerated paraphrase ahead] the longer the story gets, the easier it is to write. Simply start with a page of scrap paper and "Hero = guy in sweater." Anyone with half a brain devoted to money can turn that into a 10,000-page script.
Numerous fan-fiction writers on the internet should be ashamed of themselves for not directing their talent at writing straight fantasy novels. What you're doing now is the equivalent of trying to make a living covering Britney Spears songs. Why waste time on characters that the corporate-employees-first-game-designers-second at Squaresoft spent only ten minutes devising? Ted Woolsey, who translated many of those stories for your enjoyment, gave you the green light way back in the 20th century: "You wouldn't believe how easy it is."
He was speaking only of the stories of the Final Fantasy games that predated Final Fantasy VIII, yes. Part of what made Final Fantasy X such a miracle in my eyes was its willingness to pare down a big fantasy story to its essentials -- which brought linearity that many cringed at yet I loved like a brother. In Dragon Quest, I'm playing a role; in Final Fantasy, I feel like I'm watching others play their roles. Both games offer solid experiences that I will forever gladly partake in.
Just not like this. Not like in Kingdom Hearts.
When Squall is introduced into the Kingdom Hearts story, I cheered. I hated Squall and his punkish nature in FFVIII, a game I otherwise admired for its risks. That Kingdom Hearts had, so soon in its experience, made lovable and sexy (yes, I can admit he's sexy) a character that had been the exact opposite . . . well, that was really something.
Minutes later, Aeris of Final Fantasy VII was talking to Donald Duck in a Chinese-style hotel room, and I felt cheap. Here was Aeris, voiced by some teenage pop-star, in a gaudy hotel room, with Donald ____ing Duck of all people. I felt like Donald Duck, nephew of my childhood hero Scrooge McDuck, was about to get involved in a vicious scandal. Like Aeris, who I almost mourned in Final Fantasy VII, was about to dirty her pure reputation in the presence of a cartoon duck.
I feel like I did when I first saw an arcade cabinet for Acclaim's Street Fighter: The Movie: The Game.
I feel like I felt when Resident Evil: the movie came out: this is a movie based on a game based on a series of movies (Night of the Living Dead).
I feel like I did when my brother suggested, not jokingly, all those years ago, "Dude, they should make a Super Mario Bros.: The Movie: The Game!"
This kind of cross-pollination of franchises may be clever in theory; however, when the story -- dark and brooding and "deep" as it may be -- is thrown together so lazily, I'm going to have to be like Shinji Mikami, and throw up two hands in the shape of a big "X."
"No good."
And people tried to tell me Steven Spielberg's A.I. was a "good story" because they, like, showed a bird at the beginning, and they showed a bird at the end, too!
Listen to me. I hate to throw down the trump card here, though I will if I must:
I've written a couple novels. I know how a story goes together. So believe me when I say that any asshole with a copy of Janet Burroway's Writing Fiction understands Chekhov's "gun on the mantle" rule: If there are dueling pistols over the fireplace in act one, someone must fire them by act three.
In very much the same way, any greasy-haired, twitchy game producer with dollar signs for irises and a copy of Chrono Trigger can throw together a half-assed broody story that's so polished the fanfic-writers of the world will never notice.
"You wouldn't believe how easy it is."
[Next: say hi to the furnace repairman for me, mommy]
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