I’m not a fan of Metal Gear Solid since it hit the Playstation. I liked it, sure. But why I liked it (TACTICAL ESPIONAGE ACTION) was really only half the game. There’s a point where you come to where it becomes all cut-scenes and boss battles, and that didn’t suit me at all.

And so to avoid disappointment I still haven’t played MGS2. I have completed MGS 3 times, though. Integral didn’t really do it for me. Without the reward of cinemas, I didn’t really get the point.

And that’s another contradiction.

I disliked MGS because of the cinemas. But I dislike Integral because there is no reward for the effort I put into it. I couldn’t really get up the required level of self-satisfaction.

The player must be rewarded.

The player must have a continuous level of control of the game.

It can be balanced, I’m sure.

As soon as I heard Kojima was going to be at ECTS I knew I had to find him and give him my card. Tim tried and… Didn’t quite succeed. Was this my Insert Credit proving ground? Could I GET KOJIMA?

Once I’d seen the MGS3 trailer I met the first available PR rep for Konami. All of Kojima’s meetings had been booked well in advance, not that I’d have got one. But he wasn’t going to be on hand in ECTS at any point. He was going to be at the Playstation Experience, on the stage.

So if I was there – how would I get him?

I didn’t know the layout of the building, where he’d appear from, leave from – I was going to have to case the joint.

One problem – this year, the Playstation Experience was completely separate from ECTS.

We didn’t have PSE passes. So we couldn’t get inside.

Not a problem, right? Just go to the Press office and get passes.

One problem: The press office was inside the PS Experience.

I think that only a company with a distaste for the press would set this up in such a way. Realistically, it’s insulting. So we had to get there – by fair means or foul.

Attempt 1: Ask Nicely

At 10am on August 28th the queue of expectant children and bored parents were queued up hundreds strong outside the front doors or Earls Court. The security of the event was… Severe. Guards milling around with walkie-talkies constantly buzzing. Fences everywhere. No clear way into the front entrance without braving a wait in the queue.

But there was supposedly a through entrance into the PSE in ECTS. We thought we’d try there, first.

For one, when we got to the entrance, the PSE still wasn’t ready. Workmen were still milling about with bits of wood and power drills. The man on the door said no one would be let in through this door, and that it would open at 10:30am.

We decided to skip the queue in an attempt to find the first person in authority at the front doors.

Now, the public seem to respect a pass that has the words ‘Press’ emblazoned on it. Security men don’t, as well they might not.

“That’s the wrong pass.”

“Yes, we know, however, we need to get to the press office to get passes.”

“Oh, uh, stand here and a rep will be out in a minute.”

So far, so good, we thought. The rep came out, and surprised me instantly by being full of self-importance.

“That’s the wrong pass.”

“Yes, we know, however, we would like to get Playstation Experience passes.”

“Oh. Who is your contact?”

Shit. We didn’t have one.

“We don’t actually have one.”

“Oh. Stand here.”

And so we did. FOR 20 MINUTES, as she milled around talking to other SCEE personnel, pointedly ignoring us. We were running out of time, as a GDC lecture was starting that was fairly important. She left, and I left my card with the security guy in the hope it could clear something up.

Attempt 2: Tactical Espionage Action!

This time, it was obvious that the first security man was just going to fob us off. We had to get inside the front doors and then try diplomacy from there. We stood on the corner nearest the entrance. The Guard was checking everyone’s passes. As soon as he was distracted with a group of people, we took our chance.

Keeping close to the wall, we crept past him. He wasn’t alerted. The first line of defence was defeated.

Their second line of defence was confusion. Not a single person in the antechamber could contact anyone from the press office, and this left us only the third line of defence.

Another line of security guards in front of the entrance to the hall itself. How were we to get past them? One section of the line had a sign “Accredited visitors only”. Well, we weren’t customers. We had to get through that section. The opportunity presented itself.

A party of accredited visitors were stopped by the guard. A SCEE staff member ran over, explained that this was okay, and began letting them in. We joined the party, roughly in the centre, and they let us in, without even looking at our passes.

They ignored us like we were a mere crocodile, swimming past the camera.

Oh, but what awaited us.

In a way, the Playstation Experience is what I imagine E3 would be like, were it populated mainly by sugar-addled children. Now we were inside, our first aim was to find the Press office without being turfed out by security.

This was difficult.

For one – the press office didn’t seem to exist. We stealthily trawled the entirety of the hall and didn’t find it. Finally, we gave up, threw caution to the wind, and found the first ‘Game Demonstrator’ available. They didn’t know where it was. The next one thought it was ‘behind the stage, somewhere’. We couldn’t find it.

We realised that we’d been walking past it repeatedly. There it was, a tiny desk, behind the stage, staffed by two girls and surrounded by kids. It was where you went to pick up your ‘Playstation Experience Survival Book’ (in other words, a book which entitled you to a bag containing freebies (net worth: 59p or so) as long as you agreed to be signed up for a lifetime of letters from Sony. They were helpful – to a point. Apparently, we had to phone Sony PR manager ‘X’. We forgot his name. I think the name in Alex’s address book sums him up better -

“SONY FUCKER”

“Hello, This is Mathew Kumar from the videogame culture website Insert Credit. I’m inquiring about receiving press passes so we can cover the Playstation Experience.”

“There are no more Press Passes.”

“Is there somewhere, or someone, we can meet to discuss this?”

“This is a consumer show, not a trade show.”

*CLICK*

What… The… Fuck.

Wherever he is, and whoever he is, I hope he knows – We won. Insert Credit won. We got inside, and we can cover it.

“Here he is! Hideo Kojima!”

I think it had to be something more than pure luck than that by the time we had decided to use our stolen time to, ahem, ‘enjoy’ the PSE, Hideo Kojima would walk out on stage, for his first scheduled appearance.

Shit, we thought. We had to quickly formulate a plan while listening to what the man himself had to say. The first thing I took note of was his glasses. As Tim had briefed me – Those are some fucking nice frames, man. The second thing was his translator. Was this the famed bodyguard/translator ‘The Bulldog’ Scott Dolph? I couldn’t be sure. He didn’t look as threatening as it had been rumoured. The inane questions and answers session begun.

“Is there a real life Meryl?”

Dumb question. Clearly some kid. Hastily translated – The response –

“No, there is not, no.”

“Is it true that in Metal Gear Solid 3 you play as Big Boss?”

Ooh! Here come the journalists. You’d think they’d let dumb kids ask questions above journalists. After a little time –

“That is up to the player to find out.”

Well, he wasn’t being moved on that one, obviously. He seemed almost apologetic, smiling and nodding. This guy, even behind the wall of a crowd and a translator, you could see he was charismatic.

“What are the chances of a Metal Gear Solid 4?”

Was this a journalist or a kid? I can’t tell. Doesn’t it seem a bit… Premature? The third one hasn’t even been released yet. And we want to know about a 4th one?

“I do not know if I want to make another one yet. If we did, I imagine that I would be less involved with the project. However, I did say that last time!”

Nice answer, man. It’s interesting to note that Famitsu didn’t translate that back into Japanese fully, or that they took the actual meaning from what you said in Japanese. I wonder which?

The final question –

“What is your favourite game?”

Has got to be some dumb kid, right? Best answer of the entire show. Kojima looked apologetic already, and the microphone held in front of him, so we could hear him speak before his translator did his thing, reverberated the room with the words –

“Mario Brothers.”

The translator looked shocked. So did the interviewer. And there was nothing that could be done to cover it up. The audience, to my surprise, cheered with all their heart. The interviewer quickly jumped in with

“Well, enough about that, Thanks to Hideo Kojima, everybody. He’ll be over at the signing desk after an exclusive video of Metal Gear Solid 3!”

Signing Desk? We weren’t going to wait for that. Plan GET: KOJIMA was now to stand behind the stage until he emerged, bum rush him yelling in Japanese which would easily catch his attention, quick photo op with plenty of respect, and let him go about his way. But first, the video.

I had my camera ready to film it so you wouldn’t have to pay whatever ridiculous prices IGN are going to charge you for grainy footage and substandard reporting. The screens were better, the sound system was louder – We were ready to go.

Battery Low.

Yep, my camera battery died. I was not amused. We watched the movie again and roared round to the back of the stage in an attempt to put into action plan GET: KOJIMA.

When we got there, he was still inside the back of the stage. But things were getting ready. Roughly 10 or so security guards stepped up to begin to protect the man and his priceless eyewear.

I was beginning to lose my bottle. It was clear that any attempt would require Kojima to work with us, which would require some… Eye contact. Considering the average size of our opponents was about 6’5”, I didn’t believe this was likely.

Kojima emerged. Suddenly, everything happened at once. A young man dressed like a member of So Solid Crew quickly flung himself at Kojima, hand outstretched. He managed a handshake and a few words before being removed from Kojima's vicinity. By this point, the security guards had formed a human wall around him.

My window of opportunity was gone. But the Signing Desk was still an option!

Or rather, it wasn’t. Even following the tortoise formation enemy, they quickly lost us in a sea of screaming kids. When we finally found the desk… There was no chance of getting him now. If you look in this photo, you can just see the top of the back of his head.

We’d failed. The only thing left to do was cover as much of the PSE as possible.

[next: Survive the Playstation Experience!]

[Introduction]

[Tactical Espionage Action!]

[Suvive the Playstation Experience!]

[Endgame]

[Appendix]