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The final lecture of GDC, “Are you Game?” was a pub quiz style panel with everyone getting to participate to see who had the most encyclopaedic games knowledge. At one point, my score was high enough that I got cocky enough to be called out by the compere. I couldn’t think of anything to say, but I had control of the mike. Okay, it was cheesy, and I knew Brandon wasn’t going to like it, but I stated with gravity - “INSERT CREDIT DOT COM.” A free plug has got to be worth it, I thought – and it was. Because of the plug I had the pleasure to meet Kevin Williams of the Stinger Report. By that point, I literally had not seen a single journalist from a real, recognisable website. I was slightly in awe. He proved to literally be one of the most interesting people I would meet all ECTS.
Actually, I now kind of owe him a pint. He did buy me a Guinness when we hit the Earl’s Court local – The Tournament, which must make a killing of legendary proportion during ECTS. Kevin managed to have not only an opinion on Guinness, but industry gossip. Something you learn about Kevin quickly is that he has some industry gossip and an opinion on just about everything.
I started it, I guess, by cussing Guinness: Extra Cold. Up to this point, I’d thought it was created just to serve to people who were idiots.
“They’re pushing Extra Cold because it settles quicker.”
It had never occurred to me. It takes ages to get a proper pint of Guinness, and then you still have to wait till it settles. Not conductive to drinking fast, or large quantities. It’s a drink to savour.
“Of course, I don’t drink the stuff anymore. I only drink Jamaican Guinness – it tastes great and it's 8%.”
Jamaican Guinness? I’d never even heard of the stuff! This guy was a goldmine!
As soon as he heard our PSE problems, he explained exactly what to do. For one, he didn’t have a PSE pass either, but had been allowed to wander the halls simply through force of will. He essentially taught us what I will call ”The Blagger’s Handbook”.
1. Wear a suit. You’re not likely to be stopped, as a guy in a suit MUST know where he’s going/what he’s doing.
2. Walk with purpose! ACT like you know where you’re going/what you’re doing.
3. Don’t display your passes. For one, if you’re from the Stinger Report, you will probably not survive the day if you’re showing it. Two, if you’re not showing the wrong pass, they might assume you have the right one.
4. If you are stopped by a low member of staff –
i. Speak in a clear and understandable manner that does not patronise. Don’t demand anything – yet.
ii. Ask to speak to the Manager. This is too much trouble for most.
iii. If they can’t/won’t and still won’t let you by, ask to take their picture as you will be ‘taking this matter higher up’. Take a picture even if they don’t agree.
iv. Attempt to walk past. If they attempt to touch you, inform them that you will sue them with all your power if they even touch you. As you are wearing a suit, this will have resonance.
Now, a fairly good point is that we weren’t blaggers, we were actually attempting to cover the PSE for this fine intarweb publication which you read now, and secondly, neither of us had suits with us, and we’d probably look like prats in them. Not like Kevin – good lord that man knows how to dress. But this was still good information. Walk with purpose.
I’m literally not sure if I could repeat the rest of our conversation without being sued to high heaven. The amount of rumour and outright libellous comments we traded would be enough to shut us down one hundred times over. But he did bring up at least one interesting, repeatable comment.
According to Kevin, all the top Japanese designers speak great English. I mean, if I’d ever thought about it, this makes perfect sense. Kojima couldn’t be such a fan of Hollywood movies without understanding the language (trust me – I’m sure they’re even more insipid in Japanese). He certainly couldn’t have become such great mates with Harry Gregson-Williams. Shinji Mikami, I can imagine he probably isn’t speaking from a teleprompter when he says ‘Don’t pee your pants’. And even Shigeru Miyamoto… Does he really need to discuss Double Dash in Japanese alone?
It’s true – the inscrutable Japanese designer is an image, and a very sellable one, in an industry starved of people they could put on TV, and fair play to the companies for playing it up. Is it honest? No. But for how long were we supposed to believe Britney Spears was a virgin?
People don’t really want the truth. They don’t want to be shocked. They want people to play to stereotypes and to be squeaky clean. I think it’s something we’re going to have to live with.
We left the pub and found that we’d managed to not notice that central London was going through a power cut the likes of which had never been seen before. The image was taken in the “Hollywood Kebab Shop”. We didn’t buy anything. As we wandered back past Earls Court, Kevin decided we’d use our “Blagger’s Handbook” to go for a stroll in the PSE while we could. After all, with the rail and underground out, we weren’t going anywhere.
It was actually just closing time – 9pm. The crowds were filing their way out like cattle. And yet, with a man in a suit, and with hidden passes, we strolled into the PSE and were not stopped once.
We were shocked by how easy it was. We took the time to stroll around, observing the empty hall with trash strewn about. We briefly considered posting a news story that claimed the PSE was a complete failure, with the pictures to prove it. We decided to check out the one ‘Zone’ that we hadn’t earlier.
Battle
Kevin seemed to like Secret Weapons Over Normandy (LucasArts). “The controls are really nice.” He noted. It looked nice, certainly, and everyone loves Larry Holland, right? Who couldn’t?
I had a go of Medal of Honor: Rising Sun (EA). Its just Medal of Honor, except the main character is blatantly rendered to look exactly like Ben Affleck (We sure don’t get to play enough bastards in videogames). “Holy shit! Look at the inscrutable Japanese jump out of the undergrowth!” I yelled. It seemed like the jungles were linear and lazily designed. Poor.
By that point, we were ushered out. We’d seen enough. We didn’t complain.
Kevin, if you’re reading – it was really nice to meet you, man. I’ll buy you that pint, next time.
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